Where database blog posts get flame-broiled to perfection
Well, isn't this just a breath of fresh air. I just finished my Sanka and was looking for something to read before my nightly ritual of defragmenting my hard drive for the sheer nostalgia of it. And here you are, with an exciting announcement. Gosh, my heart's all a-flutter.
"Our mission has always been to help you succeed with open source databases." That's real nice. Back in my day, our "mission" was to make sure the nightly batch job didn't overwrite the master payroll tape. Success wasn't some fuzzy, collaborative concept; success was the whir of the reel-to-reel spinning up on schedule and not hearing the system operator scream your name over the intercom at 3 a.m. But I'm sure this "succeeding" you're talking about is very important, too.
It's heartwarming to hear you're listening to the community. My "community" was a guy named Stan who hadn't slept in three days and the mainframe itself, which mostly communicated through cryptic error codes on a green screen. We didn't give "feedback," sonny. We submitted a job on a stack of punch cards and prayed. If it came back with an error, that was the machine's feedback. Usually, it meant you'd dropped the cards on the way to the reader.
Now, after a comprehensive review of market trends and direct feedback from our customers...
A comprehensive review of market trends? Bless your hearts. The biggest "market trend" we had in '86 was the move from 9-track to 3480 tape cartridges. It was a revolution, I tell you. Meant you only threw your back out half as often when you were rotating the weekly backups to the off-site facility, which was just a fireproof safe in the basement. Getting "direct feedback" involved a user filling out a triplicate form, sending it via interoffice mail, and you getting it two weeks later, by which time the data was already corrupt. Sounds like you've really streamlined that process. Good for you.
So, you're "excited to announce" something. Let me guess. I've been around this block a few times. The revolving door of "new" ideas is cozier than my favorite VMS terminal. Is it:
Look, kiddo, it's admirable what you're doing. Taking these dusty old concepts from DB2 and IMS, slapping a fresh coat of paint and a REST API on them, and selling them to a new generation of whippersnappers who think "legacy" means a system that's five years old. It’s the circle of life.
This has been a real treat. It’s reminded me of the good old days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my niece for the fifth time that I cannot, in fact, "just Google" the COBOL documentation for a machine that was decommissioned before she was born.
Thanks for the article. I will be sure to never read this blog again.
Sincerely,
Rick "The Relic" Thompson