Where database blog posts get flame-broiled to perfection
Alright, settle down, whippersnappers. I just spilled my coffeeāthe kind that could strip paint, the only real kindāall over my desk reading this latest masterpiece of marketing fluff from the MongoDB crew. They're talking about a "SaaS Security Capability Framework." Oh, a new acronym! My heart flutters. It's like watching someone rediscover fire and try to sell you a subscription to it. Let's pour a fresh cup of joe and go through this "revolution" one piece at a time.
First, they proudly announce they've identified a "gap in cloud security." A gap! You kids think you found a gap? Back in my day, the "gap" was the physical space between the mainframe and the tape library, and you'd better pray the operator didn't trip while carrying the nightly backup reel. This whole song and dance about needing a standard to see what security controls an application has... we called that a "technical manual." It came in a three-ring binder that weighed more than your laptop, and you read it. All of it. You didn't need a "framework" to tell you that giving EVERYONE SYSADM privileges was a bad idea.
Then we get to the meat of it. The framework helps with "Identity and Access Management (IAM)." They boast about providing ārobust, modern controls for user access, including SSO enforcement, non-human identity (NHI) governance, and a dedicated read-only security auditor role.ā Modern controls? Son, in 1985, we were using RACF on the mainframe to manage access control lists that would make your head spin. A "non-human identity"? We called that a service account for the nightly COBOL batch job. It had exactly the permissions it needed to run, and its credentials were baked into a JCL script that was physically locked in a cabinet. This isn't new; you just gave it a three-letter acronym and made it sound like you're managing Cylons.
Oh, and this one's a gem. The framework ensures you can "programmatically query... all security configurations." My goodness, hold the phone. You mean to tell me you've invented the ability to run a query against a system catalog? Groundbreaking. I was writing SELECT statements against DB2 system tables to check user privileges while you were still trying to figure out how to load a floppy disk. The idea that this is some novel feature you need a "working group" to dream up is just precious. Welcome to 1983, kids. The water's fine.
The section on "Logging and Monitoring (LOG)" is my personal favorite. It calls for "comprehensive requirements for machine-readable logs with mandatory fields." I've seen tape reels of audit logs that, if stretched end-to-end, could tie a bow around the moon. We logged every single transaction, every failed login, every query that even sniffed the payroll table. We didn't need a framework to tell us to do it; it was called "covering your backside." Your "machine-readable JSON" is just a verbose, bracket-happy version of the fixed-width text files we were parsing with homegrown PERL scripts before you were born.
Finally, the kicker: "Our involvement in creating the SSCF stems from our deep commitment... The principles outlined in the SSCF... are philosophies we already built into our own data platform." Well, isn't that convenient? You helped invent a standard thatāwhat a coincidence!āyou already meet. Thatās like "co-chairing" a committee to declare that the best vehicle has four wheels and a motor, right after you've started selling cars. We used to call that "writing the RFP to match the product you already bought." At least we were honest about it.
Anyway, it's been a real treat reading your little manifesto. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on a database that's been running without a "chaotic landscape" or a "security blind spot" since before the word "SaaS" was even a typo.
Thanks for the chuckle. I'll be sure to never read your blog again.