Where database blog posts get flame-broiled to perfection
Oh, wow. Hold the presses, alert the media. Four. Four whole certified partners. I haven't seen a celebration this big since we managed to get through a quarterly all-hands without a C-level exec promising we'd "democratize the data paradigm" by the end of the fiscal year. Truly, a momentous day.
Let's break this down, shall we? "Recognized for completing the Elastic GenAI workshop." I remember those "workshops." It’s a four-hour webinar where a sales engineer who just learned what a vector is last Tuesday clicks through a slide deck, followed by a multiple-choice quiz where the wrong answers are things like "Should we store customer passwords in plain text?" Completing that "workshop" doesn't mean you're an AI expert; it means you have a functioning internet connection and a high tolerance for buzzwords. I think I still have the branded stress ball somewhere.
And who are these titans of industry? ECS, Foxhole, Squareshift, Braxton-Grant... These sound less like tech innovators and more like the shell corporations you'd set up in a spy movie. I'm sure they're all very excited to be "advancing customer innovation." We all know what that phrase really means. It's corporate speak for "convincing customers to pay for a new, barely-tested feature module that's not included in their current enterprise license."
But the real gem here is the "Elastic AI solutions." Oh, you mean the solution that's 90% Python glue code wrapped around someone else's API, bolted onto a search index that's already groaning under the weight of a decade of technical debt? Yeah, that solution. The one the marketing team slapped "GenAI" on six months before engineering had even finished the spec doc. I'd love to see the roadmap for that. I bet it's written in the same shade of optimistic fiction as our old quarterly performance targets.
They're celebrating partners who can now sell this "innovation," which is really just a new and exciting way to:
It's all part of the game. You announce a revolutionary platform, you get a few partners to drink the Kool-Aid at a "workshop," and you issue a press release hoping nobody asks to look under the hood. Because if they did, they'd see the rusty bolts, the frayed wires, and that one critical process that's still being held together by a script someone wrote in Perl back in 2012 and is afraid to touch.
So, congratulations. You certified four new people to sell the dream. Just try not to wake the customers up when the whole thing inevitably crashes. You're selling a Generative AI future built on a foundation that still occasionally eats its own data on a Tuesday. Good luck with that.