Where database blog posts get flame-broiled to perfection
Alright, kids, settle down. I had a minute between rewinding tapes—yes, we still use them, they're the only thing that survives an EMP, you'll thank me later—and I took a gander at your little blog post. It's… well, it's just darling to see you all so excited.
I must say, reading about Transparent Data Encryption in PostgreSQL was a real treat. A genuine walk down memory lane. You talk about it like it's the final infinity stone for your security gauntlet. I particularly enjoyed this little gem:
For many years, Transparent Data Encryption (TDE) was a missing piece for security […]
Missing piece. Bless your hearts. That's precious. We had that "missing piece" back when your parents were still worried about the Cold War. We just called it "doing your job." I remember setting up system-managed encryption on a DB2 instance running on MVS, probably around '85 or '86. The biggest security threat wasn't some script kiddie from across the globe; it was Frank from accounting dropping a reel-to-reel tape in the parking lot on his way to the off-site storage facility.
The "transparency" was that the COBOL program doing the nightly batch run didn't have a clue the underlying VSAM file was being scrambled on the DASD. The only thing the programmer saw was a JCL error if they forgot the right security keycard. It worked. Cost a fortune in CPU cycles, mind you. You could hear the mainframe groan from three rooms away. But it worked. Seeing you all rediscover it and slap a fancy acronym on it is just… inspiring. Real progress, I tell ya.
It reminds me of when the NoSQL craze hit a few years back. All these fresh-faced developers telling me schemas are for dinosaurs.
Son, back in my day, we had something without a schema. We called it a flat file and a prayer. We had hierarchical databases that would make your head spin. You think a JSON document is "unstructured"? Try navigating an IMS database tree to find a single customer record. It was a nightmare. Then we invented SQL to fix it. And here you are, decades later, speed-running the same mistakes and calling it innovation.
Honestly, I'm glad you're thinking about security. It's a step up. Back when data lived on punch cards, security was remembering not to drop the deck for the payroll run on your way to the card reader. That was a career-limiting move right there. You think a corrupted WAL file is bad? Try sorting 10,000 punch cards by hand because someone tripped over the cart.
So, this is a fine effort. It truly is. It’s good to see PostgreSQL finally getting features we had on mainframes before the internet was even a public utility. You're catching up.
Keep plugging away, champs. You're doing great. Maybe in another 30 years, you'll rediscover the magic of indexed views and call them "pre-materialized query caches." I'll be here, probably in this same chair, making sure the tape library doesn't eat another backup.
Don't let the graybeards like me get you down. It's cute that you're trying.
Sincerely,
Rick "The Relic" Thompson